We have all been lied to, cheated, tricked and hurt. Sometimes it is just the common result of business, other times it is incompetence or a lack of accepting responsibility, but most of the time it is someone who is either a stranger or at least not very close to you, and this can upset you but you get over it. Inner peace and happiness will never be attained as long as your mind is upset.
What I would like to discuss here are the events that we cannot get over, the ones we cannot let go of, and why that is. These disappointing events which haunt us for years are most often caused by someone close to you. I have been cheated in business and dealt with that in moments or days at most, and it is all forgotten, or placed as useful lessons. However, when your best friend, parents, siblings or a spouse cheats you, that wound may not heal for an entire lifetime.
For decades you may have that event in the back, or forefront, of your mind, constantly in disbelief of how a person closest to you could do such a thing, always trying to reason it out so you can let it go, but all to no avail.
I will use money as an example, but in my case as well and many of you, it may be something far more personal. Both my parents on separate occasions have cheated me out of very large sums of money. I understand their actions, but more importantly I know why what they did was so painful to me compared to the business transactions in which I was cheated for much larger sums of money. By the way, I am now free of the pain.
They broke a trust. Of course, that is the obvious explanation, but still, anyone can eventually get over that. Other people have broken your trust, yet it was not as painful. Why is it that for some people, the pain lasts so long, often breaking up families, causing feuds which separate brothers and sisters for most of their lives. It could also be a teacher or the church you trusted which let you down. There is no rule to the relationship other than you would have never dreamed that this person could do what they did.
Of course, the trust is broken, but I looked deeper at what this ‘trust’ really is and why we need to have someone we trust. Every human being knows that there are times in our life when we will need help of some sort. We also know that there have been or will be times when we have to make a decision and simply have no idea what to do, when we will need advice we can trust.
A great fear is the fear of death. That is ultimately because we die alone. The fear is not so much of death, but of being totally alone in the unknown. Thus our greatest fear is of being totally alone, both in death and while we are alive.
Combining these two points, we know that our greatest fear of being alone can only be alleviated by having someone we can fully trust to be there when we are in need, who will never harm us in any way, and never break our trust.
When your trust is broken by the one closest to you, the realization is not only that this person cannot be trusted, but the real problem which brings up the pain is; ‘Who can I trust?’ ‘Now I am totally alone.’ This is the most painful realization we can have, as being the last person on earth of your race.
Just as a little side note here, for fun I looked up the word ‘profession’ in the dictionary. The first definition is as in a job, and the second as in a profession of love and trust; “an open but often false declaration or claim”. If the dictionary as been adjusted to account for the unreliability of humans, that speaks volumes for the cause of our perpetual discomfort in life.
We all MUST have someone in our life that we know we can trust completely. Someone who will give their honest opinion when asked and not try to say something that will make you feel good. Someone who you know you can give the power over all your money and property and they can be trusted not to steal one penny.
The reason that we cannot let go of being deceived or cheated by someone who we consider closest to our heart is because if you cannot trust them, who can you trust? Now you realize you are totally alone. After this event, your heart is so broken that it becomes scarred and your ability to trust in future relationships is limited.
This becomes an even greater pain. First you trusted someone who let you down. The pain is deepened because it was someone you thought you could trust implicitly. The pain is perpetuated because it has created a realization or fear that you will never be able to trust anyone ever again and without trust, you can never rest, relax or breathe freely.
That is a very unpleasant outlook for the rest of your life and because of this subconscious realization, you cannot let go of the pain of the event because it is not the event itself that hurts, but that the rest of your life is in a way hindered and limited. Your subconscious must not accept this because if it does, that becomes the reality. However if there was a good reason and you can find it, then there is hope for a life with trust. So to keep hope, we hang on to the event until we can find an answer which may never come, and thus we never never let go.
By what they did, they have cut off your ability to love and breath freely for the rest of your life. But this is a horrible thought, and so your subconscious uses what we call ‘buffers’ in the All Is Mind course to divert your attention from the real cause of your pain towards the event. Your mind is tricked to focus on the event and so the pain never heals because that is not the real problem.
How to Heal.
Pain is caused by the denial of reality. Accept reality and you will not feel pain.
After this rather sad outlook, let us turn to the method of attaining freedom from that pain and how to live a full life.
Humans are unreliable, that is a fact. No one is perfect or in control of the events that can happen to them, even if they want to be. I live by a rule, which I do not recommend anyone else to follow, which is to fix any problem that happens due to my words or actions. This can cost you everything you own, and since I take responsibility for my words as best as I can, I would not like you to take this moral value and then I feel responsible for your life.
I have tried to understand the human condition and this is what I have discovered on my path to happiness and emotional freedom. Even the most reliable person is still subject to the events of life. As well, only the most rare person actually has full control over their mind and actions. The reasons for this are also explained in the All Is Mind course and book so I will not go into it here, but you do not necessarily need to know that body of work to attain freedom.
Knowing and accepting this, I no longer live in the illusion that anyone is capable of 100% reliability. It is simply impossible to predict all future events and peoples reactions. This subjectivity to events may cause even the people closest to you to do unthinkable things. By understanding this, I have learnt never to expect or ask anyone to make a promise that I know they cannot keep. This has a double benefit. I do not get disappointed and, no one feels uncomfortable with me because they have not verbally committed to any obligations. Funny enough, this method makes some people even more loyal, and those who would cheat would cheat no matter what, so I only gain.
Know the real causes of your pain, the need for a truly reliable person in your life, the fear of being alone, and the realization that even the most reliable people may die before you, or be caused to act in ways that they really do not want. After all, are you perfect?
Next, knowing the true cause, stop thinking about the event, that has very little to do with the pain you are still feeling, even if it is years later.
And lastly, see the impermanence in all things in this world. All the greatest people in history are dead and all their possessions have been left behind. You too shall one day be free of this world and all its pain. This is the reality that no one can avoid. Happiness comes with truth. This may sound a bit upside down, but in fact, your pains and fears are the things which are upside down.
Here is a Zen koan to help you achieve freedom and peace. Ask yourself this question, if necessary for years, until you understand its power and attain total bliss and emotional freedom;
“Who was I before I was born and, who will I be after I die?”