Many people complain that their parents did things to them as a child which have negatively effected them emotionally as an adult. These emotional issues are based on the memories. The memories are real, but the reality today is that the problem is in fact just memories.
The problem is not that your parents or whoever, did these things. The problem is that you are in the habit of reacting to current events as if these things from the past are still happening today.
Yes, they did hurt, insult, beat and put you down. Yes, you cannot get past it or get it out of your mind. But no, the things they did are not the reason for your issues today. Today, the problem is that you are in the habit of behaving this way by repeating the memories over and over. The habit of repeating the memory is the problem.
Habitual thinking keeps you the way you are, scared to talk to strangers, insecure, etc. It also keeps you stuck in not getting past your memories. It is a vicious circle of habitually thinking of memories from the past which puts you in a state of emotional insecurity so you freeze up and all you can do is think of the memories from the past.
Your issues are not what you think. Your issues are that you live in memories and transport your mind from the present moment to the past and respond totally inappropriately to the moment. Your maintaining this habitual way of thinking is your real issue. Most people do not like to hear this because it puts full responsibility on their shoulders, and no longer on someone who did something to them as a child.
If the car is stuck in the snow, there is nothing wrong with the car, you just have to get it on solid ground. It cannot move because of the patch of ice that the wheels keep spinning on. If you could just get it off the ice, it would drive away fine.
The wheels spin, and the car goes nowhere because the wheels are in the same place, habitually spinning on the same slippery spot. You can blame the car, the ice, the weather or God, but that will not fix the problem. You just have to get out of the car, push it a foot forward, off of the same spot it keeps rotating the wheels on, and then it will be off the ice and away you go.
Before anyone gets out of the car, most people just sit there and floor the gas peddle, burn gas and ruin the engine. Humans are just robots stuck in habits of doing the same thing that hurts them again and again without understanding that the cure has nothing to do with the cause of the problem. The cure has to fix the problem itself. The cause which created the problem, and the problem itself, are two separate things.
The childhood cause is long gone, but the problem persists. This is the key to immediately overcoming your emotional issues from the past.
What is your problem? You may list the usual things, but one thing that is important to notice, is that you will precede each item with…”Every time…”
Every time I am with a pretty girl, I freeze.
Every time I see my father I feel intimidated.
Every time I have a deadline I stress out.
‘Every time’ is the key, it shows habitual behavior. If you can break your habits, you will be free of the negative limiting effects of all the past issues. The memories, regrets, limitations, negative feelings, they are all just habitual thoughts.
This is the reason why meditation makes some people feel good. You stop thinking or you do a visualization or you put your mind on something else. It feels good if done well, NOT because it did anything, but rather for what it stopped you from doing. It stopped the mind from thinking of the same habitual thoughts.
Pleasure comes when pain ends. Pain ends when we stop doing what hurts us. This is the key to freedom and change of the repeated issues. The past is past, move on. Why not? Because you are in the habit of thinking of the past.
Break every habit you have, down to the way you brush your teeth or hold your cutlery. When you have broken enough habits, you will find most of your past issues gone.
Being spiritual has nothing to do with your problems. You can meditate for 50 years and be no different. The issues are purely a mechanical fault, the record is stuck on the same track so the speakers play the same sound. There is no point in changing the speakers.
This is why my view is that we are just a broken machine stuck in a rut. Nothing more than a sum of habits that can be dealt with in no other way than mechanically changing them through the exercises I use.
I was exactly the same as everyone else. For example, I could never talk to pretty girls, now, you can’t shut me up! Whatever the reason, I disagree that the real cause was my parents. They just started me on a way of being that became a habit. If you insist on your parents being the problem, you cannot change because they are not doing the same thing any longer so you are trying to cure the wrong cause.
The only thing holding you back is the habit of not speaking up and accepting that you yourself are the entire cause of your current issues by maintaining the memories.
I maintain that the only way to change is to just force yourself to break your habitual behavior and at this point in your life, to accept that it is nothing more than a habit that needs changing. There is nothing spiritual about it or anything spiritual that can fix it.
Real problems require real solutions. If the problem is being stuck with habits, then we need to break all habits. The exercise is simply to make a new habit every month and at the same time, break one.
I used to drink tea with milk and sugar. I stopped taking sugar one month. That was years ago, and I still do not take sugar in my tea. When you break a habit, do not revert. I started the habit of stretching my fingers and wrists when I woke up, first thing before getting out of bed.
These are simple habits. You can brush your teeth with the other hand. You may notice that you always tie your right shoe before your left. Make this your new rule of life; that you will observe anything you do habitually and break that habit. Then list anything that you would like to do, and make that a habit.
Imagine that all your habits are stored in an organ of your body, let’s call it the habit organ. It is similar to your liver which filters toxins and eventually needs a good clean out. The habit organ needs to be purged in order to stay healthy, just like any other organ. The way to clean it and keep it supple is to make and break habits, basically change old habits for new ones. Your body stays healthy by exercise and movement, and there is no difference with the habit organ.
I know, from personal experience, this simple process will get you past most, if not all, of your emotional issues.