Do you feel like this; I have no hope for my life, I lost my job and am too old to get another one, I have no money, I cannot find a partner, I am tired, life sucks, I live in a dump and cannot afford a better place to live, my car is an old junk that keeps breaking down and I cannot afford to fix it. On and on it goes, if not all of the above, many people would say they feel at least some of these things and thus have given up hope on a happy life.
Think about this; your pain is because all you think about is you and your future in every aspect of your life. You have no hope because you do not see things getting better. The less hope you have, the worse you get and so you have less hope each day. A snowball rolling down to hell.
What if it was not all about you? Instead, What if you devoted your life to helping others, and are willing to suffer or endure whatever it takes to gain something that will give you the ability to help many other people end their suffering. Then there is hope because you have the chance to be useful.
The hope that through your pain, others can have a better life, perhaps even be prevented from suicide. This hope of helping others gives meaning and hope to your life, and that brings you out of the hopeless state.
The trick is to stop making it all about you, give up on yourself as in the exercise of vicarious pleasure through other peoples joy. Go to a place where you will see happy people, and having accepted that you will be alone, no one will come to you, there is nothing left for you to hope for yourself, perhaps you are in your last months or weeks of life, feel the love and joy that a young couple has for each other. Share the joy the child feels playing in the park. Vicariously feel the joy and love of others by not having a thought about what you want and do not have.
Accept that your life is for the purpose of giving other people joy. Through that, the greatest joy a person can have will be yours, and that is the joy of giving. This may sound a bit fluffy, but it is actually quite down to earth.
Isn’t it so, that when you give a gift to a child, or anyone, and that person is filled with joy because of the gift you gave them, you will also get tremendous joy?
The cure to your hopeless sadness will be in finding love, of course, we all know that. But as you are, if you are negative, you are not really fit for that cure. So to become fit, you must give up thinking about yourself, wallowing in self-pity and hopelessness, and turn your full attention to be willing to endure anything for the sake of finding a way to help others ease their pain. This is the way to break out of your hopeless projection and bring joy to your life. Then you can feel the great joy that everyone you see feels.
Conquering regrets.
We all have many regrets and our thoughts just go in circles about all the things we regret. If you are serious and desperate enough to break this endless loop of being stuck in your regrets, you can try this exercise.
List everything that you regret. You can take some time to make this list, and then keep adding to it every single time a regret comes to mind. You must do this as long as you have any regrets. If something comes to mind that is already on the list, no need to list it again, but rather, make a tally of each time you think of it. Sort the list by how many times you thought of each regret and re-sort as needed.
Regrets build the framework of your prison. Each regret being another bar that keeps you trapped in your thoughts. The way out of a prison is to remove the bars. The way to remove a regret is to try for it again.
For each thing that you regret having missed or done that you should not have done, go do it, or apologize and fix it.
Regrets are a form of reminder of what you have to do. You could say that if you went to the grocery store and forgot to buy the milk, then came home and wanted a cup of coffee but did not have any milk, you regret having forgotten to buy milk. You can sit there grumbling about not being able to enjoy your coffee, or you can go to the store and buy some milk and be happy.
Of course, there will be many things you regret that you cannot revisit, but that is irrelevant to the fact that you can revisit many of them. At least you may be able to remove enough bars to squeeze yourself out of the cage of your thoughts, because the cage is small and you can only walk in circles as long as you stay in there.
The next aspect to the cure is to stop making more bars. This means that you must grab every chance and opportunity that arises, with wisdom of course.
1 List what you regret.
2 List what you want.
3 List what prevents you from getting what you want.
4 Then find out how you can change what is preventing you.
5 Now, go back to what you regret and try again.
Join the discussion
Thanks David, this really spoke to me. Have started my list of regrets.
Sometimes there just is no hope in a world where persecution is accepted. Some people don’t have regrets, they were destroyed for another person’s gain after giving too much. People are being thrown out of their jobs one by one without hope of ever finding a job again, but too young to even collect social security, although they have spent their lives working hard and responsibly, just to be replaced by the young and inexperienced so a company can save money. Sometimes, there just isn’t any hope and nowhere to go, and all the people you helped throughout your life just don’t care.
Hello Alicia,
Indeed the world is not in a good state at all, however that does not mean that any individual person cannot find a good life. Humans are very adaptable. We can survive in the North Pole for example, and in any environment, even in space!!! Imagine, if we have the capacity to find ways to survive in such unnatural environments, it should be very easily within any persons capacity to adapt to the changing economic situation. You mention social security. In many countries they have no such thing, nor any other government support, yet they survive. So just accept that you are fully responsible for yourself and that there is always a way to succeed, if you deal with things as they are. There are ways to make lots of money in both the good and bad economic situations. There is always a way, as long as you adapt to the current situation rather than, as I heard someone say…”Hope of a better past is not a solution to finding a better future.” What is the situation today, what do I have to work with today, and with that, what can I build for tomorrow. With my best wishes and feel free to write more. David
I agree,no one cares enough to do but enough to talk. Can u blame us? Even tho adam and eve messed up,or pandora opened the box, god casted the devil here on earth,point is we were set up for failure from the start,we live in a world that only teach’s greed,greed and more greed. At the end of the day dont matter who you are,cash is king and thats what people care about,not people.
Hi Steve, yes, this world is a bit of a mess, but i would say rather than what the world teaches, it is how people choose to be. In some countries people are not like that. I just came back today from the Maldives and people are nothing like Americans in that way, they share and are generous to anyone. so it is more a matter of the country or culture than the world or human nature. If an individual wants to change themselves, they can, and find the balance with the way things work where they are, or by moving to another place, or by putting in the effort to change their circumstances. it is possible.
It’s not all that simple for every situation. I have lost my home, my job, my car, my license, my health, my savings. I don’t even have the means to pay my bills, my rent and I’m about to become homeless. I also will face jailtime because I cannot pay my fines. I would love to see others happy but when I see people happy it depresses me because I do not have anything to come home to that will make me happy.
I am sorry to hear that, but you say jail time to pay your fines. I would have to ask how you got those fines? Isn’t a fine levied due to a person not following the rules? Can you blame the world for getting a speeding ticket when you are speeding? I have also lost near everything a couple of times in my life, but I took full responsibility for my actions that brought me to that point, and with that acceptance I also gained the power to change my situation and life and then rebuilt and recovered.
I do not mean to sound harsh, but since I do not know you or anything about you, my first response since I have heard this many times before and consistently it was the same situation that differs being in your situation from a successful one, which is that you have participated in creating the problem and unless you accept that and change the way you live, to follow the rules, then life will always be hard on you. But when you see that everything that happened to you is a result of your own actions in some way, then you will gain the power to have a very good life.
Dear mary,
I read your life situation, mine is equally bad. Don’t know how i will survive. May God blesses us both.
I feel very sad for you, and for all the people who are unhappy and in problems. Life is difficult but there is strength in companionship.
I am trying to stay positive in the face of defeat ,but at 56 it is hard. Being different and misunderstood most of my life it is hard. Caring for others until you have little left it is hard. Being alone it is hard.
Hi Janice,
please forgive typos and try to make sense of it, as I am traveling now, so not being too careful with proof reading.
I do understand how you feel, really, and often I find it hard to continue, but we have no other choice.
Basically, we are going to die one day, so I have just come to the conclusion, when there is nothing really that is interesting or gives any hope, that since the end is inevitable, we may as well just make the best of it, find anything that is fun, and live as best we can until we die.
funny thing is that when there is really no hope, feeling as you do, then there is also nothing to worry about or be concerned about.
it is the concerns of the future that bring us down, so then just live each day and do not worry so much about anything, and funny enough we worry about having nothing to worry about just as easily as we worry about problems.
there is a saying: “to find God we have to give up our suffering. and the hardest thing for a human to give up is there suffering.”
We love to suffer, that is human nature, it seems to be a tradition in many religions so it is long and deep within us. Why we are this way is a whole other story and a very long debate, so we will not go into the original cause, but merely deal with the present reality.
There are also many ancient stories from mystical teachings which tell us that when we really have nothing left to care about or hang on to, that we can only then be free.
I can only speak for myself, my own experiences, and if that helps anyone else, then I am glad for you. So for me, I do not care about anyone or anything. Anyone who knows me will dispute that vehemently, but it is exactly because i do not care that I pretty much spend 99% of my time and life caring for others.
You see, it is a matter of the way we care, the opinion we have. I do not care because I know in the end we all die, and anything that can be done in this life, since I cannot prove 100% that reincarnation or afterlife exists, but we hope it does and live in a way based on the theory that it does.
So I do not care about anyone or anything because i know this is all temporary and will end. But i do care to see people happier while they live in this illusion that things are real and permanent, or even giving a poor person a weekend of joys and some souvenirs to remember that good time when they are down and only again. That is what I just did for the past few days while I am here in Philippines.
I care without attachment, as you show amazement when a young child shows you a weed as if they discovered the secret to the universe.
There is defeat and there is no defeat. If in the end we die, and that is the ultimate ‘defeat’ and it is inevitable, then in a way, even if someone kills you you are not defeated but merely speeded up what you were going to do anyway. So what else is there in the world that could be a true defeat rather than just an alteration of time. All your money and possessions are going to be taken from you, or you taken from them when you die, so is it defeat or merely a change in circumstances.
Look, to be totally honest. I have been beaten up, shot at, threatened with my life if i did not give up my company and all my money with it, I have lost bigger than anyone knows, and have not wanted to live another day. I hope you are not that down, but at least it shows you the extreme level that I am speaking from.
but i continue knowing that i am going to die, so i may as well just make the best of this life and see what i can do, for myself and only myself.
There is no such thing as a truly and purely benevolent, generous and selfless person. The greatest joy in life is the joy of giving, that is what my grandfather always told me, and he is right, as you probably know. giving a little child some candy that makes them smile with such joy will give you much more joy than eating the candy yourself.
so were you kind and generous or ultimately selfish.
this is the key, that what we do is selfish. so, given that there is absolutely nothing left in this world that is interesting to me, having done everything i ever dreamed of doing, i find that the only joy and a good one at that, is in making other people smile. it appears to be a selfless life, but it is giving me a reason to live.
so to answer your comment, forget everyone and everything, there is nothing to give in the way you have been giving because it has always been unconsciously selfish. meaning you were doing it for yourself but you denied or ignored that fact and so really did things for recognition or reward of some sort. and of course that last thing you get for a good deed is gratitude. such is life on earth.
but is you accept that your good deed are for your own satisfaction and do not expect anything in return, because you are doing ti for yourself and not really for the helping of other people, that is just a necessary part of having something to do that satisfies you, then you will live in truth and may find it easier to live with and also make better decisions of who to help or do something for.
Better to live a short life enjoyed than a long life in misery. I said that to my partner just a year before she passed away. In that year she fulfilled her greatest dreams in life that she never thought she ever would have. I wish she could have enjoyed it all more, but at least she did have some time to enjoy the money she worked so hard to earn.
I will end this with saying, you are not alone. there are many people like you and I, and we all think and say we are alone, but it is just because we do not connect with each other and do not want to spend the time or money to travel and meet up, or to do things to work together.
You must take initiative, and you may find happiness and purpose in a purposeless world.
All my best wishes and very big hugs,
David
Interesting. I do not argue that everything in life is our own fault. Try being a single (as in no one has ever wanted me) woman over 50 who is ugly, not terribly smart, and fat for a while and then see what you think about all of this optimism bs. I can hear it now “well the fat part is your own fault” and “you choose to be ugly”. Uh, no. Not every freaking thing is a choice. Sometimes people just get the brown and stinky end of the stick. And, yea, My life is indeed all about me. Of course you will dispute that, but your wishy happy hyperbolic nonsense about making your life about other people just puts us in some fantasy denial that our lives are shit and that people just generally suck.
Actually, I do agree with you totally, and you will see in other articles I have written that I do not have a high regard for humanity in many ways.
I would not say that you are not terribly smart based on what you wrote here, you sound pretty smart and objective to me.
Indeed life sucks, I do not speak about the events in my life, but for sure the reality is that for the majority of people life does suck and is very unfair. The fact that 80 of the richest individuals, individual people, not companies or families, have more wealth than 3.5 BILLION people on earth, half the worlds population. Now that shows the unfairness of our world in the material sense, and anyone like you are I who are rejected for our looks, in my case I am too short, so many women have said, and we look at the movie stars, of course it is clear that life sucks.
Now, as far as my article, I am saying that although life sucks that does not mean we cannot find some happiness in life. You are not the only woman who has spent her life alone, I have a surprising number of female acquaintances over 50 who have never married.
I gave up hope of finding the right woman for my life and I accept being single and alone with no kids or anyone in my old age, but I look for ways to find some satisfaction in helping others who are in a much worse state than me, in whatever way that will be.
I totally disagree with the new age BS that everything is a choice. Frankly it pisses me off to no end when i hear some fruit loop saying that that person chose to get cancer. I want to give them cancer and say, hahah, you chose it, now what do you do.
So all I can say, as always only from my own personal experience, is to accept that life sucks, the good news is that it will definitely end on its own one day, and just find happiness in making someone else happy, with the caveat that it must be someone worthy, like a blind person who still is positive, an elderly person who you take their mind off the fear of death for a while, something that gives you a little joy each day, and one thing I do to feel happy is that I go to the shopping mall, or the movies, or coffee shop, and look at happy people and for me, I feel happy that they are happy. When you can get out of self pity, even if it is justified, and just vicariously feel other peoples joy, seeing a parent playing with their child, you can feel happier, if you accept that is just not our lot in life, and just move forward and do what you can.
And what happens when helping others does nothing to ease one’s pain? When you do nothing but give selflessly, only to have none of your kindness reciprocated? When people will only seek you out not because they care about you, but only because they can use you.
I have tried to stop being self-centered. I have tried to enrich myself through giving joy to others. All I have found is an uncaring world that will gladly exploit my good nature and leave me in the dirt where they found me. Far from helping me, the entire process has left me hollow, bitter, and tired. So very tired.
You are not alone, I certainly have had the same experience. Good deeds are rarely if ever returned with gratitude. Usually you give so much and the one day you cannot, they call you a selfish bastard, regardless of a lifetime of giving, which is instantly forgotten.
Yes, that is humans, they love to bite the hand that feeds them.
The problem is the REASON for your giving, and I mean that from the deepest subconscious reason behind your actions. This is the key to feeling used or giving wisely without feeling used.
The first stages of giving are in the hope of helping people in need, trying to help their suffering.
Eventually you come to see, with enough objective observation, that people love to suffer more than anything else. And so no matter what you do, they will always find a reason to disregard it so they can suffer some more, self-pity is a joy they refuse to give up.
Someone once told me, do not give a loan, give a gift. Sounds nice and altruistic, but the reality is that when you lend money, do not expect to get paid back.
My solution, which is fine for me but you have to find how it works for you, is to only give to the few who I feel are worthy. Yes, that is my opinion of who is worthy or not, but it is my life I am giving so I have the right to make my own choices.
I no longer help anyone who wants help, because all they want is attention or something to feed their ego in some way, and my efforts will be wasted. I have no interest in being used any more, so I am very selective on who I help in any way.
In an analogy, I am saying to plant your seeds one by one in selected rich soil instead of spreading them recklessly all over the concrete. Only then will you be rewarded with the rewards of seeing your efforts take root and grow.
Hi David , My friend Judith in Toronto sent your most recent article to me and all I want to say is Kudos to you. I agree wholeheartedly with you. I also read all of the honest, love-filled responses that you gave to others who responded. It saddens me that so many people cannot find the place within them to go beyond their pain…and I know, because I have been there. I, like many of your readers have also defended my reasons to be unhappy. What a waste of precious time! Your explanation and truth that giving to others is the antidote for our own despair and hopelessness.
I was at a service this morning and here are two quotes that I wrote down: “Selfless service alone gives the needed strength and courage to awaken the sleeping humanity in one’s heart. Sri Sathya Sai Baba
Also, Ghandi said the best way to know ourselves is by giving ourselves in service to others.
Here is the link to one of my favourite meditations: Ask for nothing and receive everything https://www.google.ca/#q=ask+for+nothing+receive+everything
Thank you,David, for shining your light in selfless service to others.
Junie
Thank you Junie. All we can do is try to understand, and there are some people who just cannot find a reason to live, and I understand them. Sometimes the best thing we can do is let people be what they are and not try to convince them of anything different, but sharing things like you did her is all we can do and for those who are not entirely gone yet, we can hope they find these few threads to hang on to until new thoughts arrive.
I know my daughter cannot breathe without a machine and she goes to college. If you have your health you have all you need. If you have your health and you can walk, talk and see STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF AND think of someone else. You will b better for it.
I appreciate your comment, however we must always remember that we cannot understand another persons life, and how much they can handle. Perhaps an event tips a person to depression, and that event seems minor to you, but do you consider that it may be after 20 or 30 years of continuous difficulties and this one ‘last straw that broke the camels back’ was just that final blow.
There is a reason for every saying, and there are a lot of people who bore the weight of the difficulties of life until they just could not take it anymore, and that one event you see is a fraction of their life.
Compassion to all, no judgments, and just humble acceptance that we do not really understand ourself, never mind anyone else.